what one believes as words, the other believes as hits.
and the hits keep coming…
and it never stops.
small things here and there…
it’s all stored in my heart…
and now my heart is bent out of shape…
darkened to strengthen…
strengthened to withstand more and more…
only, my heart, my mind, my soul, can’t go back to where it used to be…
it’s bent all out of shape
it’s darkened to a point of nothingness…
i guess i’ll have to live with it…
This one time I quoted Buffy the Vampire Slayer in my yearbook.
It hurts me to think that I didn’t get to see you.
As a grand daughter, I wasn’t what someone expected.
I didn’t have the loving banter that many girls have.
But I hope you knew how much I truly love you.
We lived so far apart that it was difficult to build a relationship, but you tried.
I would write emails to you in english and my broken korean.
Despite the language barrier, you always understood the deeper intent behind the letters.
I see so much of you in my dad.
His unfaltering loyalty, compassion, and empathy for others.
He gets that from you.
I’ll see you again grandpa. I love you. Thank you.
And here it goes…
I’ve tried so hard not to remember the highlight of my Senior Year of college…
I graduated Fall quarter of 2011. I graduated a quarter late.
Yes, there are reasons behind why I graduated a quarter late and how I didn’t get a chance to accept my degree with my friends who had graduated in the spring…
I can bring up excuse after excuse, such as, “My Senior project didn’t start until the fall…” blah blah blah…. and yes, it did start in the fall. But my major reason behind my late graduation was something entirely different…
I’m sitting in front of my mac, with a manila envelope with my name written on it, along with “Confidential” stamped on it… This envelope has the transcripts of what I am about to type out for you.
I had plans of graduating on time, in the spring. I had plans on starting and finishing my Senior project during the spring quarter. But in order for that to happen, I had to take a mandatory class in order to get the correct credits eligible for graduation. I had heard the rumors about this class, but it was the only class that was open that quarter. I signed up for it and found out that some of my friends were also taking this class…
The first day of classes, I walked into my 8:30am class at 8:15am. I get there early and start to see my classmates enter. The professor then walks in… and to tell you the truth, that first day was incredibly horrific. We were talking about the class and going over the “syllabus”… It wasn’t a syllabus. It was a letter of intent from him. Each bullet point on the syllabus was a threat and how he will act if this point was not met by every student. That was just the first day…
As each class went by, he would start off by ranting. It had nothing to do with the class. “Playwrights: Existentialism” that was our class. The class was not about religion, age, gender, disability, or murder. But that is what he would talk about. And as days went by, it got worse, and worse, and worse. I personally was judged by my race, my gender, and my religion. It would be a daily ritual for him.
“Christianity is a glorified zombie religion”. “If you don’t believe in genocide, you shouldn’t be existing”. “All christians hide behind their bible like it’ll save them”. “I don’t understand why you are here, what country are you from?” and so on…
He would go into detail on how to murder. From Asians to African Americans to Native Americans. And while he would say these things, he would look each of the minorities in the eye… fear… yes I felt it… but it was just fear.
One of our classmates stood up to his taunts. She proudly stood up, took out her bible from her backpack and gave him bible verses opposing his views. I am sad to say that I was so fearful that I did not have the courage to back her up. And I look back on it and can’t be more proud of a fellow Christian to stand up to him. I was fearful and a coward.
Things escalated from there. The taunts became threats. I had so much fear in me that I was doing so poorly in my other classes… I was scared to participate. I was scared to tell anybody other then the 2 other classmates that I knew I could trust. I didn’t have anybody to talk to. I couldn’t tell my parents, they would worry. I couldn’t tell my friends back home because they would not understand…. I relied on my roommates and my 2 friends for about 2 months… I finally had enough courage to tell my mom and my brother what was going on only after I made up my mind to go to the school and file a formal complaint… and even then, I didn’t tell them the whole story.
My two friends and I went to the school to file a complaint against this professor after our brutal class session. By the time our talk with the equal opportunities office was over, one of my friends had backed out of filing a complaint. So it was down to the two of us.
We literally sat in that office talking about EVERY SINGLE thing we can remember him mentioning in class. This was on a friday, and saturday.
We went back to class on monday. He didn’t know about the complaint yet. He went on with his ranting (which I tried to drown out because we never learned anything in that class…). But then, he got really quiet. He stood up and said that he would take his gun and shoot up all of his enemies that have gone against him… My friend and I left the classroom and went straight into the equal opportunities office and told them what he had told us. When he finds out about the complaint, we would be a target. And everything he had said in class would hold true to his threat. He hated asians. I’m an asian. He was misogynistic. Well I’m a female. He hated religious people. I am not the most christian like individual, but he knew that I also had a bible in my backpack. My life was threatened by this individual. He was known to take his knife and gun to classes. This was a true threat.
After that talk with the equal opportunities office. Everything sped up from there. The professor’s past lawsuit got thrown out, so he HAD to be nice and cordial. My friend and I had meetings all the time, with the school board, with the equal opportunities office, with the University Police, with the dean of students, with the dean of the theater program….They all told me that I didn’t have to go to the class… I went to that class only because I didn’t want to fail it. I needed to graduate. But despite my need to graduate, my grades in my other classes were really horrible… a LOT of my hair fell out. I had the chief of police’s direct number on my phone… and… I was going to the school counselor (not many people knew about that—). I started to have panic attacks. 2 of the theater professors knew about this situation. One professor was the theater department chair, and the other professor saw me have a panic attack… and after his insistence, I went to see the counselor…
After the news broke, the professor got taken off of his responsibilities in the classroom and was on leave without pay until the investigation was concluded… My name and my friend’s name got redacted from the transcript with the allegations we stated. The school took the transcripts and filed a lawsuit against him. At that moment my friend and I were not even considered witnesses. The class was taken over by another professor that actually taught us. We learned more from her in the month than we did from him all quarter. When she stepped in, our grades we had before were erased and we were graded on papers and discussions we would have with her. That saved my grades… From what I know, I had a D- (a glorified F) in that class before she came. My essays written about the plays we read while the old prof was there had cigar burn marks, and questions posed by him about my ability to read and write because I am from a third world asian country. I’m glad he had to go…. It made my backpack smell a lot nicer when I got my graded papers back. My other professors offered to let me turn in my finals and projects later and other options that would postpone my final grade until I had enough energy to finish my assignments… I had no other thought then to go home…
During spring break, I had a nice sit down with my mom. We talked about what was happening (and yes, it was still going on…). If the investigation didn’t go well, he would be back at school for spring quarter. I was still fearful of what he could do. My grades were pretty bad. I passed all of my classes but the grades were not what I wanted them to be. My mom brought up skipping spring quarter. And at this point, I looked and felt horrible. I said I would think about it…
My dad took me to church on a wednesday night because there was a guest pastor there that could pray for me. When I went, our senior pastor at church already knew the general story. We prayed and before we left, our pastor said that God had made me feel the way that I felt when that professor was ranting and God had lead me to file this complaint because God was angry with what He was hearing from this man’s mouth.
That broke me. What our pastor said. God had given me the courage to pursue the complaint that prompted the school to take action.
All spring quarter long, I was still going to these meetings about this issue. I found out then that our school had been trying to kick him out but he was tenured a long time ago and they just needed substantial proof that these things were happening. They needed students like my friend and I to file a complaint.
I still feared for my life… He had a restraining order against entering school property but still… a bullet can travel pretty far. My senior project advisor (this is the same professor that saw me have a panic attack) said that I should just do a simple “pretend to be a __________ and write about it” for my senior project. That would be lame. But I chose to do that and I could start mid quarter. My friend that has been with me through this entire ordeal had set up a children’s theater show to be opening during the holiday season in the fall. She needed a stage manager. I took that opportunity to switch my Senior Project to the fall. I had a pretty chill class schedule for the spring, which helped me get my gpa back up.
The lawsuit went on through the summer. One day around August, my friend contacted me saying that she was asked to be part of the witness team. She is more “trustworthy and believable” than I am for many different reasons. She is one of my heroes for what she did.
This entire thing ended in the fall. It ended well. The journey though… the journey was hell.
When I graduated in December, I could not have been happier… and sad at the same time. My aunt, uncle, and grandma came~ and of course my awesome parents. I was happy because I finally got through 4.25 years of college (which I really didn’t think I would). I was sad because I would be separated from the people that have helped me so much during this entire year. I wanted to share that moment with my family and friends. And to be honest, I was sad that none of my friends and some of my family members could be there. I understand that people have their life and I’m not holding that against them. I’m just saying that it would have been an awesome family/friends photo opportunity. I even put on a skirt and makeup… you don’t see that often. But I’m extremely thankful that my aunt, uncle, and grandma could come all the way to the tip top of washington to come to my graduation in the middle of December.
This is probably the longest post on my tumblr page…
I’m sure there are some things I forgot to add into this… but this is pretty much my senior year.
Enjoy it while you can.
Yeah, life can be full of crap. But I’m sure God knows that and He will make everything better.
It’s the end of November.
and one more month until the New year.
Where did the freaking time go?
I’m sitting here, contemplating on the ridiculousness that is my life, and all I can muster up from my thoughts is that I have nothing to show for this past year.
January - unemployed
February - got a job
March - job
April - job
May - job
June - job
July - job
August - job
September - job
October - unemployment
November - unemployment
The fact that each month can be summed up on one word is quite upsetting.
I know a job is not how the word should turn in my head, but being jobless has gotten to a whole new level as more and more college educated people are opting for a minimum wage job to satiate the need for money… (or rather, the lack of money).
I’m sitting here, drinking my coffee, watching all of my friends moving on. It’s hard.
I know I shouldn’t be talking like this. I was the one that quit. I didn’t get fired or laid off. I QUIT.
But I knew without a doubt that I shouldn’t be working in a place that really took me for granted and treated all employees like a factory. Yeah, people are working there to get paid and yes it is sort of a factory, but no one should be going through that amount of stress only to be looked upon like crap.
I have no idea what the heck i’m doing with my life. If it was up to me, I would love to sing, play my instruments allll day. I know I am mediocre. But that is what makes me happy. If I knew that I had a shot of getting better than I am right now, I would try…. Or maybe that’s a lie. I am fearful. I am a fearing person. I act upon the fact that fear is everywhere. I am fearful as to what will happen to me and I am fearful of rejection and fearful of harsh criticism….
I hope and pray that that fear will slowly be overpowered by faith in God.
It has been a while since I have actually given my tumblr account a glance….
I just wanted a springboard to bounce my thoughts from.
It seems like I have lost all of what truly made me more tolerable to everybody.
I lost touch to my “human side”…
I’m an automated machine now, be it, i’m not a very efficient automated machine, but I find myself repeating my past mistakes, reliving my past existence, only to find myself where I was before…
I literally “just keep swimming..” and not in a good way.
I had a major relapse today.
I am clearly done with college and I am one piece, but my mind takes me back to that time when I was the one being taunted, ridiculed and mocked for being exactly who I am.
I am Asian, yes.
I am a girl, yes.
I am a Christian, yes.
My mind automatically takes me back to the time when ONE person would dish out these ridiculous words that were stapled into me, whether I wanted to accept or not.
I know what i did was right (even though I might have not thought like that at the time).
But, what if my actions last year were just the beginning of it and God was just testing me… and i failed his test….
It’s hard to think when there is nothing left to think about.
I can’t change what has happened.
I keep having these stupid doubts about my life, my existence.
What am I supposed to do?
Was is correct for me to give up a job that I KNEW would get me absolutely no where?
My thoughts just need a good shaking…
a good…. cleanse…
nothing really helps me anymore… nothing, no one…
let’s leave it to God… who hopefully has a decent plan for me…
what do you do when:
- you know someone is hurting
- thoughts hurt your heart
- friendship dies before your eyes
- you let go of something that you should have held on to as long as you can
- the sun doesn’t come up anymore
- all you can do is pray
What do you do?
This blog has served as my sounding board, my random outbursts, and my interests… I rely on what I know best of myself, God, and those around me to map out my path in this world that is, in simple terms, chaotic… I open up. I open up to my closest of friends and family members… But sometimes, my little rants are best understood after I rant myself out… this is what I’m doing… and hopefully, it will work….
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the current title is blahhdiblahhdiblahhhhh
i was bored…
hopefully i’ll make it into something more.
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